Playing catch.

So today, I played catch. Baseball. Mitt. And other person.

I was babysitting for some boys who were at my summer camp, Club U last year.

This was the first time I’d played catch in well over a decade. I knew that I had missed it a lot, but I had no idea how great it made me feel. Something as simple as toss…then the smack! of the ball hitting the mitt.

I don’t even own a mitt anymore. I haven’t had one that fit since well before high-school.

Playing catch. That’s what I used to completely hate seeing people play as I was walking/driving/whatever-ing about. It’s a father-son thing. And not a ton of those things apply to my father-son sitch.

It made me feel… there.

What would I leave?

My intent is not to be morbid with this post.

I am actually writing something serious, relish that.

I thought, what if. What if something happened? What if my life was cut short? What do I wish I could say to those whom I love, who love me, who hate me, who haven’t met me but perhaps might have?

Am I supposed to apologize? That the inevitable apparently inevit…ed? I don’t want to seem puffed up, but I’m sorry for the pain I know it would cause, and would hope that any pain is equally matched by the joy of a good memory. A smile here and there. Knowing that some people would be hurt pricks a bitter-sweet chord in my heart.

What words of -what I hope to be some sort of- wisdom would I want to leave in this existence? Let go of pride. Let go of pain, and hurt. Experience it. Experience anger, but let it pass from you. Please don’t let fear cripple you, let yourself learn from it. Your fear was given to you to help you be stronger. Let it do that.

Cherish each sunset, you’ll never see another which is the same as the one you might see tonight. Never refuse a hug. Never give less than a perfect hug. What is a perfect hug? Try to find out, and I promise you will.

Try to love others the way your dog loves you. It’s hard, I can’t get it straight.

Never. NEVER stop loving anyone, or anything. Love is something almost magical, it exists the moment you let it. It has the power to endure past everything, it can exist with hate, but can’t be unaffected by hate. Let love come into you. Love makes us so vulnerable, whether it’s the love of a new puppy which you will outlive and have to take to the vet for that treatment none of us want to think of, or maybe the fancy of a new man or woman which reminds us of the sting of previous broken hearted moments. Love can heal you, let it. Love must be nurtured, it’s such a beautiful thing. Let others love. I can’t say that I know who is reading this, but in my heart and in my mind, I love you. No, I don’t necessarily know your story, your pains, your triumphs, your defeats, your loves, and hopes. But I’m rooting for you. You aren’t alone in this existence. Will you let me share this life with you? I would that I could put my hand on your shoulder right now and tell you that while I can’t say that everything is going to be good, I can say that I won’t let you be alone through it. Whether by my physical presence, or right now, as I write this, as you read it, my hopes and my spirit are reaching for you. Can you feel it?

I know how much this life can hurt. I always wrestle with the thought of bringing more life into this world. How can I create life and give it this life? This life where there’s so much pain. grief. greed. selfishness. Any pain my dear son would feel, every tear my daughter would shed would be on me. I wouldn’t let it happen, I would tell myself. I can’t be responsible for all of the pain which they would undoubtedly experience.

But I get it now. I can have a child. I know now. Do you? This life, so rich with struggle, with tests, is ours. It’s all.ours. We can make it. This isn’t my life, this isn’t your life. It’s ours. (Right now a spider repelled down the right side of my screen about a half-inch from the right side. About 2/3rds of the way down, and then right back up. Teeny little fella. It was beautiful) So this life, let’s make it great, okay? I can’t do it by myself, and even if I’m gone, this whole life is still shared. How much have we learned from Shakespeare? What emotion have we felt almost as if we were feeling what he had felt? How can we say that we haven’t shared the gift of life with him? This thought makes me hope that I’ve shared enough with all I’ve encountered to be able to make this life ours. I try to be open, but am I naive? Am I still the closed, angry little young man who had to become his own father-figure? Are we still growing?

Adversity introduces a man to himself.

-Seneca, Roman Statesman and Philosopher ( 5 BC - 65 AD )

                            Seneca

Ha!

Ha!

To forsake one’s own pride

I’m in a slump. I can feel a sort of inner-conflict within myself. I truly want the world to grow, I want to aid others with their burdens, but something within is really starting to eat at me.

I can feel my pride and desires seeping into the cracks of my brain and heart. And instead of pushing it away, like most of us are accustomed to, I am learning I need to see the pride. Learn of it. Learn from it. I must accept my pride, my greed, my prejudice as a part of me. Not to accept mediocrity, but to make myself see my weaknesses as a hurdle, which jumping over will strengthen me. I can develop because of my weaknesses. 

I pray that I will be a better brother, son, friend to those around me. I need to hold fast to those who give me strength, and still embrace those who might seek to cause me pain, or discomfort.

中国失去的女儿。China’s Lost Daughters

I’m having a sleepless night, 

Open my horribly old laptop and navigate to Netflix, and look at my instant queue; it’s too late to watch a whole movie…. and I don’t want to watch something with a ton of action. I want to see something real for once. I had added a few documentaries and there was one about the lost girls of China by National Geographic. 

Yes I saw some of the effects of the Red China’s “one child” policy for population control, but this was a good reminder. No, I didn’t find out anything completely monumental, I wasn’t shocked by anything, but it was important for me to see again.

This documentary showed mostly the American side of the story, it followed some American couples to first Beijing 北京 and then to other areas to get their new children. Not a ton of the policies or ugly truth could be covered for obvious reasons. Let’s not piss off the Chinese government, okay? thx d00dz. 

Why so many girl orphans?

"Men get work and stay with the family; women get married and leave"

-Translated quote from the documentary

With a one-child policy, on a societal level, there’s not much to be gained by having a daughter. It’s illegal for a doctor to tell an expecting mother what gender her child is because if it’s a girl. Next step is abortion. Or in some cases, murder, being “hidden”, abandoned. Left.

Born into this world as a burden to her parents, the soon-to-be orphan can only see a few inches in front of her. She gets left in a park. By some miracle, she gets picked up by someone who noticed/cared, and taken to an orphanage. If that weren’t enough of a miracle, she got a family. A mother, a father, who love her. A mother, father who look nothing like their new daughter, nor do they speak the language she would have learned if her mother had had the courage, the chance, to keep and raise her as she deserves.

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 - Unknown

Young people love that which is interesting and odd, no matter how true or false it is. More mature minds love what is interesting and odd about truth. Fully mature intellects, finally, love truth, even when it appears plain and simple, boring to the ordinary person, for they have noticed that truth tends to reveal its highest wisdom in the guise of simplicity.

Nietzsche

Nothing big.

Recently, I’ve wanted so badly to be able to purge myself of my vanities and pride. I want to be great. Not good. Good simply isn’t good enough. How can I become that? “if a leader wishes to lead, let him walk behind his people” (Dao De Jing) who am I to lead? If I wish to be a strong father, behind whom must I walk?

Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore get wisdom: and with thy getting get understanding.

Proverbs 4:7